Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”