Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood