Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
i actually laughed 😩
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”