Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Worst perfume name ever.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck