Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
When you don’t understand how floors work
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Somebody’s lying.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon