Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
You Might Also Like
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Kids: Stay in school.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?