@alexapelagio: Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
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@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".
@david8hughes: Therapist: what was it like growing up? Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@Lord_Voldemort7: Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?
@MartaEffing: A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.