Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
no cat here
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.