Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
You Might Also Like
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Lmao
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing