@icrushedmyhalo: Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
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@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things? ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
@stuckinaportal: god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate bob: karen! god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
@HatfieldAnne: “Keep pumping until something happens.” -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood.