@icrushedmyhalo: Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
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@PhuckinCody: [i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] "can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he's here again."
@SirEviscerate: BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
@shariv67: Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.