Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
What the hell happened in there??
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting