Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Big Sex has us all fooled
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall