Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.