Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time