Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!