Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
You Might Also Like
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress