@lottiegwalker: Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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@stockejock: I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
@seethenare: If you're a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I'mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@AbbieEvansXO: Murderer: [points a gun at me] Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome