Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)