Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening