Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
men are simple creatures
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.