Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
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Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I’m already scared
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.