Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You Might Also Like
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.