Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The government even made aliens boring
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
dads on road-trips be like