Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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And bowling should be called pinball
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
DOOO EEEET
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.