Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years