Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade