Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
He a real one for that
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”