i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Many hands make light work
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Bring back the McRib
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!