Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.