@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"
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@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."
@DancesWithTamis: I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out