Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Plant care tips
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.