Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Goodnight 🐶