Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
me as a parent
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar