Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth