Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”