Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree