Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected