[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I need this for my side hustle.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock