@Home_Halfway: Why do we call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
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@maughammom: My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
@truegritrumble: (Going to Wife's Work Party) WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time. (Later at Dinner) ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
@erikbransteen: Future Headline: “Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence”