ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone