Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.