Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive