I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know