@fillthevacuum: Why do we never see "Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea"?
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@SortaBad: Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
@KimJongSean: The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who's half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."