@fillthevacuum: Why do we never see "Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea"?
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@mexinonblonde: I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.
@rudy_mustang: [applying for a job at the FBI] FBI: and there will be a video interview Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol FBI: Me: FBI: you could do that, yes
@girlontapas: One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food... Now, I can't find anything to eat in the fridge.
@david8hughes: [phone rings] Mum: your grandad isn't well. I'm afraid he's on his deathbed Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then