@fillthevacuum: Why do we never see "Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea"?
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@ThisOneSayz: Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.