Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
dutch is not a serious language
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine