why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
But wait…
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.