@weedguy420boner: why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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@ericsshadow: [Target intercom] "Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."
@ceejoyner: No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.