why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over