Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
BETRAYAL
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*