“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are