HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.