“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
water it, i dare you
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Living the best life.. 😊
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️