“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
The first one, obviously
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing