My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Battery falling down a hole
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….