Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*