“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels