Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.