Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.